True confessions

It's a family thing. Worship is a family thing. In the rest of my life I might be independent, but when I enter the church, I become part of a family. My dad was the rock, the spiritual head of that family. It doesn't matter if you're 4, 14, or 24, worshipping together as a family is a tremendous blessing from God. Having a father who is a strong leader for your family is exactly how God designed marriage and family. And he's not there. He's gone. And even though he reared me to be a strong Christian woman, I'm weaker without him. Because I've lost my spiritual head. I've lost an important role God gives us fathers to fill. A role that is normally replaced with a husband, and not an empty void. Beyond the immediate family thing, the church itself is a family of believers. It's a family thing for everyone. Losing part of that family changes the dynamic. Church friends knew us as a family. Relationships are built to a degree not between indiv...

Special midweek services throw off your groove. Every time. We all have a rhythm. And that rhythm is based on Sunday mornings. That Ash Wednesday or Maundy Thursday or Ascension service? It's going to throw that rhythm out of whack. You now have your work/family/regular mid-week groove and your organist groove to reconcile. These grooves conflict. Moral of the story: Beware. The. Groove.

We have made it half a year. That sounds like a good thing. But it's actually really depressing. I have lived 6 long months without my dad. It's been 6 months since I was able to talk to him, touch him, be near him. It's been 6 months since I was able to worship next to him, joke with him, watch TV with him, or just be with him. I've lived through my first Thanksgiving without him, my first Christmas, my first Easter. We have had a few major life events: an engagement and a confirmation, both without him. And unfortunately, 6 months is just the beginning. The first half a year is the tip of the iceberg of the rest of my life without him. We have a lifetime of empty photographs where dad should be. A lifetime of holidays without him. Countless family celebrations that won't include Dad/Grandpa/Uncle David. A lifetime of days where I can't text him, can't go out for drinks with him, can't get his advice. A lifetime of being unable to feel him, ...

If you’re struggling or didn’t have much time to practice, enlarge the music. Especially hymns. It makes a huge difference. (See what I did there? Huge like the enlarged music...)

I know. I know how excited you are about the warehouse sale, or the upcoming Ascension service. I'm aware of how you really wished  you had X piece during Easter/Lent. I get that you have a new instrumentalist and now need music to match. But at some point you have to stop. And wait for the next binge music order.

The elephant in the room... So I've written about this subject before . As it turns out, I could probably write an entire book about why church is so hard when your father dies. There are so many reasons. Pretty much everything about it is ruined. So we will start with the elephant in the room. Part of why church is hard is because interacting with my church family is really hard. Why? The elephant in the room. Church is awkward. Every interaction since he died (and even while he was sick) puts the burden on me. "How are you?" Do I bring it up? Do I keep bringing it up? Do I ignore the grief thing and just say I'm great? How do I answer this question? It's a catch 22. If I keep bringing up the grief, people are likely to grow distant. Grief is a hard burden to watch someone else go through. You can only go through so much. Heck, I can only go through so much. Only I don't have a choice in the matter... If I did, I'd take a break too. So, if...

...through Christ who gives you strength. This is a good mantra: When you realize during the sermon that you forgot to practice the communion hymn that has 3 sharps (or insert your least favorite key signature here). #phil413 When the music falls off in the middle of a song. #phil413 When you don't realize you were on the schedule to play until you get to church that morning. #phil413. When it's Tuesday and Pastor hasn't sent you the Ash Wednesday hymns. #phil413 When you're playing for an outdoor Easter sunrise service and the 12 page choir song scatters in the wind halfway through. #phil413 Paul was talking about being a church musician. Trust me. #allthings #phil413

... they said. "It will be fun," they said. I'm kidding. It really is fun to offer to play for the smaller churches to which you travel. The organist (there's usually only one) is extremely appreciative of the break. The congregation appreciates the variety. You can break out all your old standards that this crowd has never heard you play before. There's nothing more fun than trying to figure out a new piano, new organ, new pastor, and new congregation's rhythm. On vacation.