The feeble struggle

November 1 marked All Saints Day, which many celebrated this past Sunday.
Lutherans are in the End Times season of the church year, so many will celebrate "Saints triumphant Sunday" in the next couple weeks if they have yet to have that saints in heaven theme...


And still many will not feel like celebrating. There's a whole group of people whose loved one died right in the middle of that season. Or who are about to die.

Part of the challenge is that it's a day where you're supposed to be joyful. It's a day that is supposed to bring relief and comfort and peace.

And objectively, it does. There is a peace that comes with knowing your dad's future (or now present) is secure.

But there's a tricky thing about grief... As soon as you are "supposed to" or "should" feel a certain way at a certain time, you're pretty much guaranteed to feel the opposite.

There actually are no "shoulds" in grief. You'll be happy on days where society would lead you to believe you'd be sad (at least I'm assuming so). People will give you comforting sentiments that bring you no relief. Days dedicated to remembering that those whom you miss desperately are safe and joyful in heaven will leave you....

Feeling the feeble struggle.

If you remember back to the good 'ole Caring Bridge blog, I titled it from my dad's favorite hymn, "For All the Saints."
I was trying to focus on the distant triumph song that is supposed to make hearts brave again when the strife is fierce....

But on a joyful celebratory day, it can be easy to overlook some things. Key words like distant and feeble. 

And I realize that the very point of All Saints Day is to highlight the contrast to emphasize the glory of heaven...

But when you're life is the textbook definition of feebly struggling, and the triumph song is as distant as it could possibly be... It doesn't always help like it "should."

Is there comfort in knowing that my dad is done struggling? Sure.
Good for him, the jerk.

What kind of dad leaves his daughter struggling and in pain while he goes off to party and celebrate in bliss? In any other context, that dude would be a deadbeat father.

So sure... I'm happy for him. It's great that he is pain free.
Wish I could say the same down here.. Wish he was here to help me through the pain. Wish the shining in glory was a lot closer for me than it is.


So yes. It is a blessed Communion and divine fellowship. It is comforting to know that we are all one in Christ. These truths are consistent regardless of the affect they have at any point in time.

But it also sucks to be left behind, especially by someone who is supposed to help you through the hard stuff.