The thing about anger...

Anger is a natural part of grief. It's one of the 5 stages, so it truly is to be expected when your father dies.

And in some ways, it's the easiest one with which to cope. Grief is exhausting. Anger comes with energy. Depression makes it so you can barely get out of bed in the morning- anger shoves you out of bed to go destroy the world. 

Sadness and pain cripple you- anger lands you back on your feet ready to lash out. Denial keeps you away from church because you don't want to face the realities of death and salvation and life- anger drives you to church so you can go give God a piece of your mind. Acceptance is a far-off seemingly unrealistic concept- anger is familiar and real. 

Point is, anger is a functional emotion. It is a motivating, energizing, driving force. People easily go through life every day while simmering with anger, without any grief. 

So when you're crippled by pain and sadness and sick of numbing depression, anger is a safe place to go. It's a familiar, comfortable way to set up walls around all the anguish. Anger is safe. You can live with anger. You can angrily shove aside all the pain and function every day.

But anger is an ugly nasty energy. The anger walls that hold back the miserable grief slowly start to close in on you. Anger starts out as a barricade to keep grief out, but it quickly traps you inside until you are consumed by it. 

Then suddenly anger is no longer easy or safe. You find yourself imprisoned and alone - surrounded by brick walls of anger, knowing full well that when you chip them away, you're left with all the scary sadness and depression and pain on the other side. 

My pastors assure me that this is where God works best. When you're broken and trapped and alone, He comes in with love and forgiveness and strength to get you back out. They are usually right.