Why I don't like to talk about death

This may seem pretty obvious, but I hate talking about death.

People have said that I will eventually need to get used to having conversations about the important stuff, and can't avoid the pain forever.

But that isn't the actual problem. I can't avoid thinking about death and the pain of it to save my life. Grief consumes you. The memories play over in your head on repeat.

What I actually don't like is having theoretical conversations about death.

I don't like Bible studies that are focused on death (Where O death is your sting? for example).

I don't like sitting through sermons that are all about death and grief.

I detest movies with a plot point where a parent dies. (See: any Disney movie, any Hallmark movie, Sound of Music, Hamilton, Princess Diaries, Freaky Friday, etc....)

And it's because none of these are real conversations about death.

That's right. You read that correctly.
"But what are we supposed to talk about in Bible study? Should we just avoid anything real and serious? That's why we talk about death!"

"What should my sermon be about? Rainbows and butterflies?"

"But look at the depth of the character. Their dad died."

So hear me out. I don't know how to tell you to fix the Bible studies and sermons. You can't avoid death in Christianity (or in any part of life). But don't trick yourself into thinking those are real conversations.

But let's be honest. We aren't talking about actual death. We are talking about death in theory. "Someday, in the distant future... when I die..." "Death means heaven. Death means life." "We can look at death and taunt it like God does (see Where oh death is your sting?), because He's won. And that's what faith means."

None of that is real. (I mean, yes it is. The Resurrection is real. Christ's victory over death is real. Death does mean life.) But the death of which we speak isn't real. We are talking about the concept of death, not actual death We aren't getting down to the nitty-gritty watching your father take his final breath kind of dying. We aren't talking about standing at the graveside, where his body will lay for the rest of your life. We aren't talking about the constant emptiness in your heart, or in the pew next to you where dad should be.

We are discussing the impersonal, disconnected, idea of death. Which is incredibly difficult when death is tangible. When the pain of death washes over you mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. When the tears are thick, the memories are raw, and the darkness blinding. When death is your reality, it's hard to participate in conversations about death in theory, to disconnect from the pain and talk about death factually, or by the numbers.

It's much worse for me in the movies. The death plot point is just a means to pull on the heartstrings of viewers. "Look how real this movie is!? The parents died." No. It's not real. You are using the emotions of grief to advance your story. Again, it's disconnected, and a theoretical idea of grief and death.

I don't have a problem talking about death... Because it's never more than just below the surface of my thoughts and emotions. If someone wanted to talk about what it's like to watch your father gasp through his final breath, and later be carted out by the funeral home workers, I wouldn't shy away.

If someone asked about my experience staring at my father's lifeless body in a casket, or sitting mere inches from the casket as it's about to be laid into its final resting place, I'd be ready to go.

Because that's real. That's actual death.
But nobody wants to talk about death for real.